I woke up that morning to a voicemail from the hospital and a text from my sister. Dad had gone into cardiac arrest, they revived him, and now he’s on a ventilator. Rebekah, my younger sister, had already booked a flight from New York City to Sarasota to see what was going on. I decided to stay put, see patients, and wait for news from Bekah once she got there.

Needless to say, the news wasn’t good. He’s on life support, and we just needed to decide when to unplug the devices keeping him alive. His siblings (all 6 of them!) needed to be notified, to give them a chance to come say goodbye. I booked the next flight to Sarasota.

The Physical Effects of Grief

We talk so much about the emotional toll that losing a loved one has on us. The 5 (or is it 7) stages of grief. The amount of time it takes to “get over it”. There’s no doubt that the mental, emotional and spiritual effects are great. But we rarely discuss how our physical bodies react to this shock, sadness and grief.

Getting that news about my father sent my body into immediate “fight or flight”. I felt the racing heart, butterflies in the stomach adrenaline rush that comes with it. I started to get lightheaded, and even a little dissociated. Trying to calm myself by taking deep breaths only made it worse. 

I got to Florida, and all his siblings started pouring into town. From Charlotte, Cleveland, Denver, Fresno – they all arrived in Sarasota within 24 hours. There were lots of hugs, tears and condolences. Everyone was buzzing and nervous, running on adrenaline. 

We realized we hadn’t eaten; no one was hungry. My body just stopped sending me signals for hunger. His sisters who’d just driven 20 hours straight weren’t tired. I couldn’t even tell if I had to use the restroom!

As the days and weeks went on, the adrenaline rush faded and I started to crash. Exhaustion, increased pain and digestive issues lingered. It didn’t help that I was also grieving, feeling emotional pain on top of the physical pain. 

As Time Goes On

These physical symptoms of grief can have just as profound an effect on us as the emotional. Across the board, fatigue is common, and if you’re in charge of putting together a funeral, dealing with the estate, and all the other logistics that can come with the death of a loved one, that exhaustion can really get in the way of those ongoing duties.

Digestive issues are also common, especially nausea and changes in bowel habits. When your sympathetic nervous system (otherwise known as flight or flight) is kicked into high gear, blood and nerve conduction to your digestive organs stops. Others related symptoms are feeling shaky or nervous, tightness in the throat, and having a hard time taking a deep breath or regulating your temperature.

When the immediate effects of that adrenaline rush pass, your body crashes. This can lead to decreased immunity, increased pain, and flare-ups of any health issue that you’re dealing with. Sleeping can also be a struggle, whether too much or too little. And if your eating habits have changed, which is super common, weight loss or gain can be a challenge as well.

The Chinese Medicine View

The thing that fascinates me the most about Chinese medicine is our view on how the mind, body, spirit are all connected. They are so intertwined that we don’t even make strong distinctions between a physical ailment and a mental one. We just assume there’s always both going on to some degree.

In Chinese medicine theory, there are 7 emotions, one of which is grief/sadness/melancholy (depending on what translation you look at). When these emotions arise, it’s important to feel them as they come up, and allow them to move through you. Processing emotions in a healthy way requires this ability to acknowledge and name them, to feel how they affect your body, and to let them go in an “appropriate” amount of time.

To clarify, when we say moving through emotions in an appropriate amount of time, this is not to say that grieving should take a certain amount of time for everyone. It is an individual process that’s different for everyone. What is meant by this is that each memory or reminder that comes up should be fully felt and let go.

There are 2 ways these emotions can go on to wreak havoc on our lives. One is if we repress them and don’t allow ourselves to feel them. The other is if we hold on to a single emotion and don’t let it go, to the point where it becomes part of the fabric of our being.

In Chinese medicine, grief is related to the Lungs. Repressing or holding on to grief for an extended period of time can go on to affect the Lung system, which includes the Lungs themselves, but also the large intestine, nose and sinuses, skin and immune system.

 What Can You Do

In addition to processing your grief as it happens, there’s a lot you can do to nurture your physical body through this time. Remember that this a very small sliver of your life, and don’t feel bad for having to medicate or take things you wouldn’t normally take just to function. You’ll be better off getting medicated sleep than no sleep at all.

That first week that my father passed there was no way I was going to be able to sleep; my normal meditation and body scans were no match for the adrenaline rush and racing thoughts. So every night I loaded up on sustained release melatonin to keep me asleep through the night. And because I was travelling, I also took some magnesium oxide every night for relaxing my muscles and nerves, as well as keeping my bowels moving every day.

If you’re struggling with extra pain during this time, my favorite fix is a good quality CBD oil. Start with 50 mg in the evening, because it may also make you tired. If you need more, you can add 1-2 more 50 mg doses throughout the day. If your pain has nerve involvement, I suggest adding some kava to your routine, in addition to, or in place of the CBD. Both of these can also be used for nervousness and anxiety.

Nausea and low appetite can be supported with ginger or peppermint, taken as either a tea, ginger candies or pills, or enteric coated peppermint essential oil capsules. The peppermint oil should also help if you’re having any abdominal discomfort. And if you’re struggling with loose stools, activated charcoal capsules are your friend.

When things settle down a bit, don’t forget to take care of your physical body. Acupuncture and massage are both great ways to help calm your mind and process through emotions held in your body. Even a hot Epsom salt or and a gentle yoga class will soothe your frazzled nerves. There are also herbs that can rebuild your energy stores and calm your nervous system. Adaptogens like ashwaganda and rhodiola will help your body to adapt to stress in a healthier way. And nervines like passionflower and milky oats directly soothe your nerves.

There’s no doubt that grieving takes its toll on us. Losing a loved one is an assault on our entire being - body, mind and soul. It’s important to take care of that entire being throughout the process – from that first shock, through the sadness and loss, and on to the long term surprises that pop up when you’re least expecting it.

Author:
Dr. Elizabeth Willams, DACM, LAc is an acupuncturist, herbalist and Doctor of Chinese Medicine in Greenville, South Carolina, specializing in women’s health, gut health, and psycho-emotional issues. She’s passionate about helping people feel their best and sharing her wealth of knowledge with the community. Elizabeth is the owner of Dragonfly Acupuncture & Massage on Wade Hampton Boulevard. Appointments can be made by calling 864-451-4313 or scheduled online.