This is a guest post written by our lovely massage therapist, Kie.

So, what does it mean to “be a man”? 

I’m a 48 year old man and still trying to crack this proverbial nut.

When someone says, “man up”, what do they mean exactly? And honestly, what kind of low-brow advice is that to give anyone anyway? 

And why doesn’t anybody say, “Come on man, woman up!.. grow a vagina!” 

That’s certainly more appropriate considering that vaginas are measurably more resilient than “a pair” of testicles that feel pain if you look at them wrong. I mean, I’m still wincing from my second sentence in this paragraph! 😬

The culturally imposed male identity boys are expected to “grow” into never resonated with me.

It’s always felt out of touch with the overarching human potential, it didn’t jive with my British upbringing, and overall it’s just little too “reptilian brained” for my more sensitive disposition. What’s a reptilian brain you ask?.. Well, I asked Google for you because it’s pretty fascinating stuff!

And it might even help you navigate these goofy, old school brains of ours. Because where they take us emotionally can be puzzling at times. 🤪🧠 

https://brainworldmagazine.com/know-your-brain-the-amygdala-unlocking-the-reptilian-brain/

I think it’s seriously unfortunate how so many boys get duped into thinking their right of passage is garnered through becoming hardened, emotionally unavailable, aggressive or self reliant to a fault. That last bit speaks volumes about our homeless community in America as it mostly consists of men.. men afraid to ask for help. How sad and completely avoidable is that?

I also consider the argument of nurture vs nature and how that plays into male behaviours. 

On a personal note, I didn’t have a father growing up. 

He was a mystery to me and the details of why are part of a long and troubled story, including being separated by the Atlantic Ocean. 

I was 43 years old when he found me and then he passed away 18 months later on Xmas Day… just two months after my and Elizabeth’s wedding day that he attended. So many questions were answered in the short time I got to spend with him.. but I was left with just as many new ones, now mostly unanswerable. 

Regarding the whole nurture vs nature thing, let’s start with nature. 

He and I were very similar in many ways despite having never met before. Our certain charm, the way we spoke to animals, the way we walked, our facial expressions, our looks..  it was sometimes uncanny. So, nature certainly has a say. But the nurture part, or lack thereof in this case, was also clear. And while I know it’s rather uncouth to talk badly about the dead.. I have to include that he was also a bonafide asshole at times, selfish, incredibly misogynistic, and he had a storied history of being abusive. His own experiences in the British special forces hardened him in ways I can’t possibly wrap my head around. But there was an undeniable light that shown through him at times in our short time together.  

I wonder how much of my father’s traumas were passed to me genetically? That concept is a new field of study called intergenerational trauma and it’s really fascinating. 

He was a Boy Entrant in the British military at the ripe age of 15.  

In the 1960-70’s he fought in conflicts all over the world as a member of the SAS British Special Forces. This included helicopter pilot training at Fort Rucker Army base outside Dothan, AL in 1964, and fighting embedded with the American forces in Vietnam. No doubt he suffered countless traumas as so many veterans do. So there’s a very good chance that I carry some of that trauma too. Crazy right? 

What is intergenerational trauma you ask?.. Here’s Google again to the rescue. Interesting stuff! 

What Is Generational Trauma? Here's How Experts Explain It | Health.com

At the end of the day, and all of my wonderment aside, Mister Rogers is my spirit animal and I want to see more compassionate, empathetic and mindful men in our society and in the world at large. 

Sometimes I contemplate starting a mens group to talk about these types of things, our feelings.. our hopes.. our losses.. our sexuality.. our traumas.. our relationship struggles.. anything and everything. Because men sharing their feelings shouldn’t be something that’s missing in a healthy society. 

Ultimately it effects EVERYONE, not just men. I believe letting our guard down long enough to let the light in is how we become truly tempered, stronger and VERY manly. 💪🏻 

What I’m sharing with you is limited to my own experiences, so keep that in mind. But feel free to share with me your thoughts on the matter. I’m always curious about others’ perspectives and experiences. 

 :end rant: 

Author:

Kie Williams, LBMT is the first massage therapist in the state of South Carolina to be certified in Esalen massage therapy. He loves taking care of people, and treating pain, anxiety, insomnia and trauma are his specialties. You can find him at Dragonfly Acupuncture & Massage in Greenville. Appointments can be made by calling 864-451-4313 or scheduled online.